A Slice of it....Life

1. Was Alive

Yesterday, I got a letter from Papai. I know my son. He will never return to me.

Six months back I lost my wife in a car accident. A young lad ran his car over Aparna while she was coming back from her mother's place that night. The lad was driving drunk. The very next evening was scheduled for Papai’s arrival from Nainital. Aparna was hit at a crowded place. Half of the gathered people took her to a nearby hospital and rest of the people took the boy out of his car and gave him a public thrash. Police arrived after sometime. Aparna died on her way. I got the news one hour later.
The police themselves ran the case on that boy. I never felt it necessary to go and see him. He was nothing more than a murderer to me.

Next day, Papai didn’t come home. I called him in his hostel. They said that he had left for Kolkata three days back. I called him in his cell phone again and again. It was switched off. The funeral of his mother was done without him. I did lodge a complain in the police for my missing son but they were also unable to bring Papai back to me. After that, he never came back home. But this letter just did.

“Baba,
All these days, you must have badly searched for me but you couldn’t succeed, I know. For the last six months, I was in Kolkata only. In Alipur, in jail. I had three simultaneous cases running on me – stealing a car, drink and drive and homicide. Yes Baba, I think you got it. I was the one who ran the car over Maa. At night, when the police put me in lock up and said they will “see” me in the morning after “sir” arrives, I got a chance to destroy all those documents which could give away my identity. One lighter always used to reside in my pocket. Till the dawn, everything was destroyed. Actually, I came to Kolkata one day in advance to have some “fun” with friends. By the next evening, everything, all the hangovers, might have been over. I was coming back from the discotheque driving my friend's car when all it happened. During the investigation, that “friend” of mine said that I was running away after stealing his car. I didn’t protest. All my friends stood away from the case saying they didn’t know me. This worked in my favour. All I was scared was that someday you might come and visit Maa's killer. But God is great. You never came. Due to the absence of any of my identity proof, cases were run against me on a false name and address. I became a boy with no relative alive.
After seven hearings, I have got nine years of imprisonment on last 18th. You must have got the news by now. But Baba, I can’t stay away from Maa for so long. I am feeling desperate to see her and Baba, I will, as soon as possible…

Papai”

I hoping for Papai all these days. Now I know, he will never return, never.



2. Am Alive

Its ten years today. We all were together last time. Me, Maa, Baba and Bhaiya. Today I am alone. Baba is at home along with Maa. I had come to a nearby town with a survey team. Couldn’t stop myself from coming here after having come to a place so close. Bhaiya died here. From here Bhaiya lost his foot hold and slipped over the cliff. I couldn’t look at his wounded face after I climbed down. Baba had been to Shillong before. At that time came home so many stories, so many experiences. But this time we came back empty. Baba didn’t talk for two years after he saw Bhaiya’s blood wet face and body. I had the last year of my graduation left then. Anyhow I completed it and got a fair job.

Bhaiya had never liked the sea so much. He used to say, “What else is there other than the breeze?” he used to think himself to be very adventurous. On that day, he went out of the hotel all alone. He was wearing a locally made cloth cap and was looking exactly like a khassiya. The night before, he revealed a very deep secret of his to me. He had fallen for Poorva di. He had given her some hints but hasn’t told anything in direct. At night I had told that this will remain a secret but in the morning I thought why not to cash some fun out of it! So, I started to irritate him by repeatedly saying – I will tell Maa. We sisters are always like this. He got angry and went out of the hotel. I followed him. Outside, after some distance, he turned to me and said, “Go and do whatever you like.” But he continued to walk without knowing where he was going as it was his back leading his way. And before I could say anything.........

After retirement with some old friends Baba spends his evenings. The mornings are spent in the newspaper. He gets some sleep in the afternoon. This is how Baba is changing the calendars. Maa is busy with the households, monthly expenditures, her knee ache and some Hindi Bangla T.V. serials. I am also married since last three years. My in-laws didn’t mind my job. I had been to Baba before leaving for the survey. At that time Poorvadi had also dropped in for some time on her way to her father’s place. Her husband was out of station for some official tour. I saw a baby boy of about two in her laps. She seemed pretty happy with her life.

While I was coming back, I saw Bhaiya’s photo over the shelves covered with dust. Some cobwebs were also using it as a support. I yelled at out maid to clean it up with the duster under the table. She said that she was going to chop the vegetables now. By then I also had one of my feet in my sandle, so didn’t re-enter.


3. Will Be Alive

“He has regained consciousness today after two months. He has opened his eyes. Only they are moving in his whole body. The rest is paralyzed. But he is alive and that is the thing that matters to me the most today.
I didn’t want to marry Anirban. I had Tushar in my life. Dad forcibly pushed me into this seven months back. After two months of our marriage, Anirban came to know about Tushar and I think he could guess that I will never be able to give him the place he wants in my heart. But surprisingly, he never went into any argument regarding this with me or with my parents. After knowing about Tushar, he became even softer to me. We had never gone out for a dinner during the first two months but after that, he took me out four times in three months. I realized on those nights that he is a really nice and caring person but a bad actor as he was trying hard to pretends that he is happy even after knowing the truth. Just a week before his accident, he asked me if I wanted a divorce. I didn’t answer then. Tushar didn’t me call after my marriage. He is a decent guy but today I don’t know where he is. About a month before the accident it appeared like Anirban had something to tell me. The day before he asked me for the divorce, he took me to the roof holding my hand. There he stood in front of me and kept on staring at me for minutes. He didn’t appear to be desperate but a little confused. He didn’t say a word up there. He came back in silence.
Today for the first time I, myself, am holding his hand. Today he can’t hold mine. Today his face fails to speak his heart. Tushar is lost but I haven’t lost Anirban. Holding his hand is giving me strength. The moment I got the news of his accident, I realized that I was in love, with Anirban, my husband.
Please, get well soon. I want to know what you had to tell me and I will wait.”

“Today, after two complete months I can see Shikha. She is sitting beside me, holding my hand. I am feeling it so badly to hold her now but I can’t. I had decided a divorce the night when I came to know about Tushar. I had even brought the necessary papers and locked them in my office locker. Whenever I used to see them, it felt like somebody is squeezing all the blood out of my heart. I knew that she is going to be there with me for only a few days now. Even though I knew about her feelings for Tushar, I gained some courage to ask her out on dinners. My wife didn’t refuse. I needed those nights for myself. To have something to cherish after she is gone.It was great to see her smiling on those dinners.
Finally, one day I told her about the divorce. I had expected an answer then and there but she kept quiet.
But there is something else; I still have to tell her. I thought I would tell her a month back before this nasty incident but couldn't collect enough nerve. Just the day before I asked her for the divorce, I took her to the roof to tell her what I wanted to but couldn’t. She was looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I was quiet. I came back, without saying a word.
But today, I feel different. I feel to say it and I feel it more than ever. I know I can’t. So, from today, all I can do is wait... and I will. I will wait for the day on which I will be able to speak, will be able to hold her hand and say how much I had loved her and how much I always will.
Shikha, I am dying to tell you what I always wanted to. Shikha, I love you.Please wait for me.”

Zero and a Straight Line

Sometimes I remember that very day.

Mihir is lying on that white bed. Unconscious. Nobody knows if he will ever open his eyes. I was standing beside him. In front of me sitting is Sarah. Sarah Arthur. Holding her silver dangling Jesus. William is standing with his hand on her shoulder, gazing the floor. Megha is sitting on the other side of the bed. Inside is such an uncomfortable silence in the cabin. Megha has no Jesus hanging from her neck. She is holding Mihir’s right hand which is as senseless as Mihir himself. The doctor has left the cabin, saying – Only a miracle can.

I looked at Mihir’s face. The boy is lying in such an impossible peace. His parents are there in Allahabad. Nobody of the whole drama troop could come forward to inform them of the accident of their son on the stage. A counterweight of one of the backgrounds, which was a sack full of sand, fell from a deadly height, fracturing his skull and the thrust breaking his neck joint. As always, he was in the backstage.

Gradually, the photographs of the last four years crept into my vision. Megha, Pritam, Joey, me and Saahil had pushed Mihir many a times – “Go, you moron! Stop pretending ‘just friends’ and ask Sarah out for a date.” Mihir also used to say, “Even I am Also tired of this ‘just friends’ thing. But the problem is – what if she judges me wrong? I mean so many days, laughing, smiling, pranks and jokes, so many pure emotions. If all of a sudden she realizes that I was just pretending to be a friend, I had something else in my mind; all those laughs were a fake, she might start to hate those days. And if that happens, I will be left with nothing.”

While all these were flashing in front of me, I looked at Sarah. Her eyelids were wet. She was forcing her Jesus for "the miracle". It was clear to me as I could see her blue veins getting clearer and clearer under the skin of her shivering fair hand in which she was chocking her God. I didn’t notice when Megha had started to cry with Mihir’s right hand on her forehead. My heart was also heavy but all my tears were dry that day.

William was looking at Mihir with a pale and blank expression. He is the most religious among us. His tears might still be fluid and probably that is the reason why he went out of the cabin, to hide them. Megha turned to the door. Her eyes were as red as blood.

I looked at the cardioscope. Twenty six beats per minute. Then I turned my eyes to Megha. Megha lifted her wet face. She turned to Sarah. Sarah opened her eyes and looked at Mihir. Nineteen. She had started to sweat. Nineteen. Her veins were gradually disappearing beneath her skin. Gradually the silver Jesus came out of her grip. He probably is not getting annoyed by anymore prayer for any miracle. Eleven. Megha moved her eyes towards me and then settled them on Sarah. Nine. That metallic god also remained a witness of those moments. Seven. Sarah is advancing her hands towards the unconscious left hand of Mihir. Five.

Once I had asked Mihir, “What if someday Sarah herself comes up to you and proposes to you?” He stopped me then and there, smiled and said, “It’s gonna be a disaster that day, dude, a disaster.” Three.

Sarah is holding Mihir’s hand. There is no gap between as if Mihir is also trying his best. Two.
Before leaving home, Mihir had a habit of saying – “Am leaving” with a smile on his face. One. Suddenly, Mihir’s hand lost the support of Sarah and fell on the bed with a sound as if something went said. I looked at his face. He hasn’t lost his habit. Zero ....and a straight line.

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Once upon a past, a moment cried, "Can you promise, you will forget me never?"
To this, memory said, "I will make you live in my heart, forever."